Hello to you and your lovely wife! My name is Ulrika and I work here at Ikea in Norwich. Welcome.
Today we have 32 must-have items that you will find in our never-ending maze of a store. If, after three hours, you find yourself a bit hungry then please check out our meatballs in the restaurant - they really are an interesting experience!
I hope you find what you want (and even what you don't.) Thanking you for visiting.
The game starts off with the wife suggesting that you both go shopping for 'exciting' home furnishings.
Type 'yes*' to agree.
* Do not type anything else - just get your coat and your keys and get in the car - you're going!
Once you get to the shop the missus advises that 'we' need a sofa in a very specific colour; cherry blossom.
So off you pop around the shop to find 'cherry blossom.' You've no idea what that is, however, it sounds a bit girly and cherries are red so it's probably somewhere between red and pink?
As you move up and down the aisles, beautifully realised in 10x7 grid and controlled using QAOP & space, you can't help but be impressed how much variation Eq. has managed to get out of the Speccy's colour palette using BRIGHT and a simple dithered UDG!
Eq's 70s comedy 'wife' is rendered entirely using ASCII and Attribute blocks. It's more than enough, however, to convey the absolute glee on her face when - against all odds - it turns out your amateurish guess was actually correct!
Next up she wants armchairs in 'celadon green'?
Crikey. Sounds like something from Lord of the Rings!? Which colour looks like an Ogre's bald head?
You feverishly look up and down the aisles but nothing jumps out at you and, as the colours start to blend into one, you panic and just select anything!
She's not happy.
In fact she looks positively demonic!
She's upset, but is used to tolerating your apparent lack of interest. She asks you to find the next item and the game continues along these lines for an arduous 30 items more!
You're just starting to doze off when, apparently, you're finally finished shopping! Aside from being several hundred quid worse off how did we do?
8 out of 32 correct!? Let's face facts - that was a pretty shoddy effort, even for a bloke!
Luckily you're a man who learns from failure (and the look of disappointment of your spouse's face.) The next time she suggests a shopping trip be ready with the handy colour chart attached. She'll thank you for it, trust me!