[Announcer] "And, for the final time this year, we have a guest reviewer; please put your hands together for... Dizzy!"
Looksh. I'm only doin' zzhis because Horace'shis an old mate. I don't needsh'your money, you basht'dz, 'coszh I'm bossh here now and all our gamesh're schtill absholutely fantashtic!
Unfortunately the sad truth is, if you're in the Scumm Bar on a Wednesday afternoon, you'll see them all in there; Miner Willy, Mr Wacker, Jetman...
Horace's story is no different as, after a few years in the 80s limelight, he found himself replaced by younger sprites who were bigger, more colourful and better animated.
Soon no one seemed interested in his adventures in the park, battling spiders or even that skiing trip and, with nothing to do save the odd appearance in fan projects, he slowly withdrew from society and found himself looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle*.
* For the record, kids, you won't find any answers at the bottom of a bottle - all that's there is a best before date and a stinking hangover!
As per the in-game instructions, having had a little too much to drink one day, Horace finds himself upon the battlements being pursued by his old nemeses; the park guards, who are out in force.
Suddenly a bladder full of tramp juice and a brisk wind result in a warm feeling down below and an inspired double-solution!
Thankfully not realised in UDG form, Horace proceeds to release the Kraken, and hose down his pursuers in a most ungentlemanly manner.
You play the part of our inebriated pal as he (staggers? - Ed) left and right at the top of the screen using the O and P keys.
As the park guards make their way up from the bottom your goal is to position yourself above them and then press M or Space to.. erm.. tinkle away**.
When you score a direct hit they disappear in a rather effective colour fade, accompanied by some adequate beeper sounds.
** Interestingly, like in the adverts for Nappies and certain lady products, Horace's wee has turned blue!? Googling that for possible explanations only serve to raise an eyebrow even further!
It appears that there's only so much space in Horace's tank and so, periodically, you'll need to refill your bladder by standing next to one of the two beer barrels at the far left or right of the screen.
Naturally this gives the enemy a chance to gain some ground and, frequently, it'll be a guard on the opposite side of the screen who gains the most.
Unfortunately if one makes it to the top you'll lose a life (accompanied by the same colour fade effect.) Lose all three lives and it's game over.
I fear that Horace isn't being seen at his best in this outing - although it is masterfully presented crud - I'm sure, however, that if he can put down the bottle he'll bounce right back.
In the meantime the score to beat is 27.